• I have gone riding when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up.
• I have gone on riding binges of several tanks of gas or more in a day.
• I ride rapidly, often 'gulping' roads.
• I have sometimes ridden early in the morning or before work.
• I have hidden bikes in different places to sneak a ride in without being seen.
• Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to ride motorcycles.
• Sometimes I find myself analyzing sections of roads as if I were riding, even while in cars.
• I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a bike nearby.
• At a boring party, I will often slip off unnoticed to go riding.
• Riding has made me seek haunts and companions which I would otherwise avoid.
• I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I have finished a ride.
• I have spent money meant for necessities on accessories instead.
• I have attempted to complete an Iron Butt ride.
• Most of my friends are unapologetic motorcycle riders.
• I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy riding.
• I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of riding.
• I have wept, become angry or irrational because of a road I have ridden; or, worse, NOT ridden.
• I have sometimes wished I did not ride so much.
• Sometimes I think my riding is out of control.

If you answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, you may be a motorcycle addict. Affirmative responses to five or more indicates a serious problem...professional help is strongly advised.

Once a relatively rare disorder, Motorcycle Addiction Syndrome — or MAS, has risen to new levels, due to the accessibility of higher quality motorcycles at a relatively low expense since the end of the Second World War. The number of motorcycle addicts and abusers is currently at record levels.

Social Costs of Motorcycle Abuse

Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal relationships. They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to occupy, to the neglect of friends and family. In severe cases they develop bad posture from riding in awkward positions or carrying heavy tool bags. In the worst instances, they become cranky bike mechanics in small towns.

Excessive riding during pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of moral deformity among the children of Road Racers, Tourers, Squids, Wannabees and Posers alike. Known as Fetal Motard Syndrome, this disease also leaves its victims prone to a lifetime of vertigo, daydreaming, emotional instability and an unnerving predilection for unsuitable leather garments.

Heredity

Recent Harvard studies have established that heredity plays a considerable role in determining whether a person will become an abuser of motorcycles. Most abusers have at least one parent who abused motorcycles, often beginning at an early age and progressing into adulthood. Many spouses or significant others of an addict become addicts themselves.

Other Predisposing Factors

Fathers or mothers who are road race fans, collectors, or heavy leather wearers; parents who do not encourage children to play team games, voraciously read Rider and Motorcyclist magazines, or watch Speedvision in the evening.

Prevention

Premarital screening, counseling, and referral to adoption agencies is urged in order to break the chain of abuse. One-percenters in particular should seek partners active in other fields. Children should be encouraged to seek physical activity by joining teams, and to avoid isolation and morbid introspection. Proximity to road maps and National Geographic magazines should be restricted. Keep two-stroke oil securely locked away and out of reach. Playing cards inserted into bicycle spokes must be looked upon as a primary initial symptom, as should inadvertent twitching of the right wrist and incessant muttering of the syllables "Udden-Udden." Children noted exhibiting a 'thousand yard stare' in the direction of a setting sun are likewise considered candidates for early intervention. A preference for tiny boots and multi-colored leather diapers indicates incipient 'motorcycle madness' and requires urgent, immediate treatment if any semblance of normality is ever to be achieved.